Every relationship is different, but
most couples have fights once in a while. Partners that stay together for the
long haul usually figure out a way to make up and move on. If you don't want to
pretend the fight never happened and just wait for the tension to blow over,
then learn how to make up in an open and healthy way.
1. Look beneath the argument.
There's a saying: "You're never fighting for the reason you think."
It may look like you're fighting about money, sex, or something else, but
there's usually some feeling underneath that hasn't been fully expressed, maybe
even something you hadn't realized you were feeling. Identifying the
root feeling can help you calm down and make up with your partner.
Common feelings that many fights can be traced to include:
A·
Inadequacy. You feel like you're not good enough and you can't quite
believe that your partner would want someone like you - at least, not
for long.
B·
Fear of abandonment. You're worried that your partner will leave you -
literally, perhaps by cheating on you or by becoming emotionally distant. A
little bit of alone time after a fight is good, though. It lets each partner
cool down so that hot-tempered things aren't said.
C·
Feeling taken for granted. You feel unappreciated, perhaps used.
2·
Communicate what's most true for you in one sentence. Learn how to
practice nonviolent communication. Telling your partner something
like "I feel scared when I see you talking to other girls," or "I
feel angry I don't have the money to pay for this right now" allows you to
get to the core issue and often helps him or her to understand your feelings
without arguing about it.
3· Take responsibility. Did you
snap at your partner? Are you trying to control the outcome of the fight? Is it
easier to get what you want by manipulating the situation rather than asking
directly? We all do these things to one degree or another. If you can find a
way to own up to your part in the argument, without trying to blame or wrong
yourself or your partner for it, it may open up a whole new dialogue.
4· Be humble. Sometimes if you can apologize for something you did (even if you didn't
"start" it), it can disarm your partner and result in him or her
apologizing as well. Something like, "This is not where I wanted this to
go, and I'm so sorry it has. Can we take a breather from the disagreement,
collect ourselves and try again, only this time less angry?" Always
remember: don't apologize for things you didn't do just so the fight will be
over. Be sincere.
5· Let go of being right.
Wanting to win an argument is the surest way to keep it going. It's a no-win
situation and keeps you from truly connecting with your partner. There's an old
saying: "Would you rather be right, or be happy?"
6· Let
your partner learn in his or her own way. You can
only control yourself and your own pace of learning. If your partner isn't
getting it, you can't force him or her to see what the issue your way. There's
information in any argument for both of you, but it's impossible to make
someone see things from your point of view. Either they do, or do not.
- If you're holding out for an apology, and your partner
isn't giving it, consider openly forgiving him or her anyway. This kind of
acceptance, if you don't
do it in a condescending way, might show that you accept your
partner's imperfections, which can help him or her be less defensive.
Example: After succinctly expressing how you feel (as described earlier),
say "I know you didn't mean to hurt my feelings by forgetting about
our anniversary. I do still feel hurt, but I'm willing to trust that you
didn't do it on purpose, and you'll try to remember next time. OK?"
7· Appreciate
your partner. The sooner you two can experience
some form of joy and lightheartedness, the better. Successful relationships
have a five-to-one ratio of appreciations to criticisms.[1] Actions that create
genuine positive feelings will help to replenish the emotional bank account of
your relationship by noticing and expressing lots of things that you really
like about your partner and yourself, and the way you are together. If you're
still feeling down about the whole thing, though, start with yourself.
8· Set
boundaries. If your argument has been a nasty
one, you may want to make an agreement with your partner about the boundaries
and terms of your relationship. For example, "I agree not to call you
nasty names." Or, "I'd like for us to agree that we talk about what's
going on without yelling at each other." "Friends, it is good to be
in a relationship and it is better to be married and have a peaceful home"...
Yommi John - twitter@yommyjohn, www.facebook.com/yommyjohn, www.connectionofpeoplebolg.blogspot.com
